Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Condensed!
by Professor Bumblebore
Summary: Professor Bumblebore returns with an abridged version of this children's classic!
1. Quite A Big Trunk

Hey! It's the return of the (nearly) popular Condensed Harry Potter! Today, Professor Bumblebore has thoughtfully condensed the classic "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" for your entertainment.  
  
---------  
  
[THE DURSLEY RESIDENCE]  
  
HARRY: Well, I'm back.  
  
[LORD OF THE RINGS FANS begin sharpening knives]  
  
HARRY: I've been mistreated in a manner that would melt the hardest of hearts in the Child Protection Agency. To top it all off, they've forgotten my birthday in lieu of a big business deal tonight. And no communication from any of my so-called-friends from Hogwarts! My life is incredibly boring.  
  
[FORESHADOWING makes a loud squawk in the back row]  
  
MR DURSLEY: So what's the plan tonight?  
  
MRS DURSLEY: Making superficial, disgustingly nice comments about the wife.  
  
DUDLEY DURSLEY: Acting like a gentleman.  
  
HARRY: Rehearsing for my bit in the London Mime Auxiliary's production of "Of Mimes and Men"  
  
MR DURSLEY: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SAYING THE M WORD?  
  
HARRY: Men?  
  
MR DURSLEY: DON'T BE SMART WITH ME!  
  
HARRY: Mimes?  
  
MR DURSLEY: AARUUGH! UPSTAIRS! SILENCE!  
  
----------  
  
[HARRY'S abode of love]  
  
HARRY: AAAAAAAAHH! A SHORT, UGLY CREATURE IS SITTING ON MY BED!  
  
VERNE TROYER: Leave me alone! [bursts into tears]  
  
HARRY: I think SAG's getting a bit desperate.  
  
DOBBY: HARRY POTTER!  
  
HARRY: JAR JAR BINKS! AAAAHHH!  
  
DOBBY: No sir! Meesa Dobby!  
  
HARRY: [bangs head on desk]  
  
DOBBY: Me is told to come and warn Harry Potter! Meesa awed in Harry Potter's presence!   
  
HARRY: [slams fingers in desk drawer]  
  
DOBBY: Meesa here to tell you: Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!  
  
HARRY: [ties bedsheet to ceiling lamp]  
  
DOBBY: Terrible things issa bout to happen, Harry Potter!  
  
HARRY: [ties noose]  
  
[LOUD THUMP]  
  
HARRY: Hide!  
  
DOBBY: Aaahh! Galactic invaders!  
  
MR DURSLEY: WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING, BOY?  
  
HARRY: [looks at noose]  
  
MR DURSLEY: You just ruined the punchline on my Japanese golfer joke!  
  
HARRY: Just afflicting abuse on myself like any self-respecting teenager.  
  
MR DURSLEY: Abuse, eh? Well, get on with it. But be a bit more quiet!   
  
[exeunt MR DURSLEY]  
  
HARRY: Dobby? Where'd you go?  
  
[FORESHADOWING flaps its wings pointedly]  
  
HARRY: Must be downstairs--AAAHH! What are you doing with Aunt Petunia's prized pudding?  
  
DOBBY: Meesa improving the nutritional value of your diets! Full of fats, pudding is!  
  
[DOBBY drops pudding]  
  
HARRY: Aaack!  
  
DOBBY: Bye now! [disappears]  
  
PEOPLE WITH WHOM THE DURSLEYS ARE MAKING A DEAL: This bites.  
  
[exeunt PEOPLE WITH WHOM THE DURSLEYS ARE MAKING A DEAL]  
  
[OFFICIAL LOOKING OWL drops in with OFFICIAL LOOKING LETTER]  
  
MR DURSLEY: Heyyy....you aren't supposed to do magic! [maniacal laugh]  
  
HARRY: Erpfle.  
  
MR DURSLEY: NOW! I SHALL RULE THE WORLD! WITH AN IRON FIST! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAAHAHA!  
  
HARRY: Meeplerfle.  
  
----------  
  
MR DURSLEY: There! Bars on your window! School supplies in the cupboard! HAHAHA!  
  
HARRY: You know, burglar bars are a really bad fire hazard.  
  
MR DURSLEY: Don't you use your mind tricks with me!  
  
HARRY: I'm a wizard, not a Jedi! My father was James Potter, not Han Solo.  
  
MR DURSLEY: Actually no, Harry, I am you--  
  
HARRY: Oh, honestly, people. THROW ME A FRICKIN' BONE HERE!  
  
MR DURSLEY: Well, while we're on an abusive kick, okay! Here, dinnertime. [throws HARRY a bone]  
  
HARRY: Infidels! INFIDELS! [shakes fist vehemently]  
  
-------  
  
HARRY: Wha? It's the middle of the night! What's that buzzing noi--EW, DUDLEY! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T HEAR YO--  
  
RON: No, you prat it's ME!  
  
HARRY: Ron, I didn't know you swung that way!  
  
RON: No, you idiot, get out of bed and grab the owl.  
  
HARRY: Ew! Kinky! OWLS? That's gro--  
  
RON: I'M HELPING YOU ESCAPE, YOU DEPRAVED LUNATIC! We've taken our dad's enchanted flying car to drive you to our place and get away from the Dursleys.  
  
HARRY: Oh. Why didn't you say so?  
  
RON: Oh honestly. Fred, George, stop fooling around up front--  
  
HARRY: AACK!  
  
RON:--and help me help Harry escape!  
  
FRED and GEORGE: Hey Harry!  
  
HARRY: AWAY, INCESTUOUS TWINS!  
  
FRED and GEORGE: Where's your stuff anyway?  
  
HARRY: No! I'm fine right where I am, kinky bastards!   
  
FRED and GEORGE: Right, Ron, we'll get the stuff, you help out Harry.  
  
HARRY: No! Go away! Don't involve me with your depraved sexual acts! AWAY!  
  
RON: Lemme grab your clothes--  
  
HARRY: DON'T TOUCH ME! RAAAAAAPEEEE! AAAAAAHHHHH!  
  
RON: What have they done to you, Harry?  
  
HARRY: [whimpers] Go away! Go away!  
  
FRED and GEORGE: We have your stuff! [holds up HARRY'S TRUNK]  
  
FRED: George, help me, I can't stick it in the trunk.  
  
GEORGE: Here, it's always hard--  
  
HARRY: AAAHH! DEVIL! DEVIL!  
  
GEORGE:--let me get behind you and push--  
  
HARRY: BLEACH! BLEEEEEEEAAAAAACCCCCHHHHH!  
  
FRED: Nope, it's still not in all the way. I think--just a little bit farther--  
  
HARRY: [catatonic]  
  
MR DURSLEY: WHAT'S ALL THAT RACKET?  
  
RON: Come on Harry! [drags HARRY into the car]  
  
[HEDWIG squawks]  
  
RON: Oh no! Someone grab Hedwig!  
  
HARRY: NO! NO ANIMALS! SICK! SICK! AAAHHH!  
  
[FRED pulls HEDWIG into the car]  
  
RON: Away, I say! Away!  
  
HARRY: HELP MEEEEEEE!  
  
RON: Hand me that beater bat, Fred..  
  
HARRY: AAAHHHHH!  
  
[A loud THUD is heard]  
  
[The FLYING CAR disappears into the night] 


	2. Yes, Virginia, Genesis Fans DO Exist

[Next Day]  
  
HARRY: Ow. Where am I?  
  
RON: My place. We rescued you in my dad's flying car.   
  
HARRY: Hoo! Nifty! Wow, your place is very and extremely cool.  
  
[RON blushes]  
  
--------  
  
MRS WEASLEY: BRETHREN, IT'S DINNERTIME!  
  
[BRETHREN thunder downstairs]  
  
GINNY: Feep! [runs away]  
  
HARRY: .....  
  
RON: Dunno why she's acting like that. Usually she NEVER shuts up.  
  
FRED: Eh, she's better this way.  
  
MRS WEASLEY: After we're done here, it's off to Diagon Alley.  
  
BRETHREN plus HARRY: Yippee!  
  
--------  
  
[FLOURISH AND BLOTTS bookstore]  
  
HARRY: Who's that guy?  
  
MRS WEASLEY: [titters] Gilderoy Lockhart! He's so famous and he's done ever so many amazing deeds and...  
  
HARRY: Like to wax his broomstick...  
  
RON: What was that?  
  
HARRY: Just wondering if he plays Quidditch is all.  
  
DRACO MALFOY: Ah, the Three Stooges! No wait...four....seven..er...  
  
HERMIONE: Allo all!  
  
EVERYONE except DRACO: HERMIONE!  
  
HERMIONE: Hey! And I've brought my Muggle parents!  
  
MR WEASLEY: Nifty! So, about this whole 'income tax'--what's up with that? And for that matter, I never did understand the concept of a so-called 'Frisbee'.  
  
LUCIUS MALFOY: Oh look, the Muggles are spawning!  
  
[AUDIENCE boos and hisses]  
  
MR WEASLEY: Ew! Snotty wizards!  
  
LUCIUS: Ew! Muggle-lovers!  
  
CHILDREN: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!  
  
FRED: Okay, I've got two to one on Lucius here. You there, madam, can I interest you in a bet?  
  
GEORGE: Popcorn! Get your popcorn!  
  
RON: Considered one of the longest simmering brawls in recent history, we present to you now WEASLEY vs. MALFOY!  
  
[AUDIENCE applauds]  
  
MANAGER OF FLOURISH AND BLOTTS: No, no, no! Stop this now!  
  
AUDIENCE: Awww!  
  
LUCIUS: [flounces out]  
  
DRACO: [ponces]  
  
RON: Gayest wizards ever to ponce Diagon Alley.  
  
HARRY: Well, I don't know about that....  
  
RON: What?  
  
HARRY: Er....I mean....[flusters]...Gilderoy Lockhart! He's so flouncy he could be a petticoat.  
  
RON: Right...  
  
--------  
  
RON: Well, everyone else has gone through the barrier, let's go.  
  
[HARRY and RON smash into the wall]  
  
RON: GREAT BRUMHILDA IN A BOXING RING! THAT HURT!  
  
HARRY: [dazed]  
  
RON: Hey I know.....let's take Dad's flying car!  
  
HARRY: Right! That plan can't go wrong......where are we? And who are you? I'm lost. WHO AM I? AAHHH  
  
RON: [slaps HARRY]   
  
HARRY: Thanks. Let's go.  
  
--------  
  
HARRY: Ah, here we are! Ron, try and land near that tree.  
  
RON: WHAT?  
  
HARRY: TURN DOWN THE MUSIC!  
  
RON: I DON'T HAVE A FLUTE!  
  
HARRY: WHAT DID YOU SAY?  
  
RON: I'M NOT GAY!  
  
HARRY: LEAVE ME ALONE!  
  
RON: WE CAN'T GO HOME NOW!  
  
HARRY: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A COW?  
  
RON: LET'S LAND NEAR THAT TREE!  
  
HARRY: MY HANDS AREN'T ANYWHERE NEAR YOU!  
  
RON: I CAN'T HEAR YOU EITHER!  
  
[Silence, then the ENGINE sputters]  
  
HARRY: WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!  
  
RON: I'M NOT TOUCHING YOUR KNEE!  
  
HARRY: EW! YOU'RE SO KINKY!  
  
RON: I DO NOT SMELL, YOU BASTARD!  
  
HARRY: AAHHH! TREEEEEEE!  
  
RON: I'M NOT EVEN TOUCHING YOU!  
  
HARRY: TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
RON: BUT WHAT ABOUT DEMOCRACY? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FREEDOM OF RELIGION, HMM?  
  
HARRY: WE'RE GOING TO CRAAAAAAAASH!  
  
RON: BUT IF SHE HAD, WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO THE LUSITANIA?  
  
HARRY: AAAAAAHHHH!  
  
RON: THIS IS NO TIME FOR DEBATES ON MONOTHEISTIC SUPREMA---AAAHHH!  
  
[RON and HARRY crash]  
  
RON: Good thing we landed safely.  
  
HARRY: I can't believe you said I was fat.  
  
RON: Says the slut with the kinky food fetishes!  
  
HARRY: What?  
  
RON: What?  
  
[Suddenly, the TREE begins hitting the car]  
  
RON and HARRY: AHHHH! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!  
  
[The CAR flies out of the tree, drives away into the Forbidden Forest]  
  
RON: Well that was close!  
  
HARRY: I'm not taking off my clothes!  
  
RON: How could you mishear me, the music's been turned off!  
  
HARRY: You LIKED Genesis?   
  
SNAPE: Why hello there. I smell an expulsion!  
  
RON: Actually, I think that was Hedwig. She freaked out during the crash.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: What you boys did was very wrong. You could have been seen. You wrecked this tree. But I'm not expelling you yet, because your presence here brings in publicity like you wouldn't believe.  
  
HARRY: Just because my grandmother had a great fondness for leather...  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Time for bed, I think.  
  
RON: I agree.  
  
HARRY: I'm not even touching you! 


End file.
